Ace wasn’t too pleased with himself at the moment. Gary, his lifelong partner and sauna buddy, was missing. Ace had entered the Geek Out Face Off in an attempt to find him, piling his foes on top of each other to secure a better vantage point for his search. Not only did his first opponent turn out to be a little girl, he also knocked her all the way back to Westeros. With no bodies to climb, he was officially stuck at square zero on his quest to find Gary.
That was about to change soon enough. Thor, Norse God of Thunder and professional panty-magnet, stood before him, whirling mighty Mjolnir above his head. Unlike the petite Arya, Ace noted, Thor had massive pectoral muscles; firm round buttocks; and bulky, chiseled arms – just the kind of person he needed to mount.
“Ho, foreigner!” the square-jawed brute called out, “Art thou hero or villain?”
“Hero,” replied Ace, “But don’t take it easy on me if we happen to be on the same side. I want you to come hard.”
“Verily,” answered Thor, a smirk on his face, “I doth believe that was what milady said!” He flung his hammer at Ace, unleashing the full might of Valhalla’s greatest son onto his spandex-clad foe. Ace narrowly dodged the projectile, rushing at Thor in one swift motion.
“I thought you’d be a better pitcher!” he yelled at he attacked Thor, catching the god off-guard with a series of can-can kicks.
Thor took it like a man, never wincing at any of Ace’s thrusts. In the distance, he saw Mjolnir rocketing back. He smiled and reached out an open hand to welcome his trusty weapon.
At the exact same moment, however, Ace altered his onslaught to a series of roundhouse kicks, landing his crotch squarely onto Thor’s palm. The God of Thunder instinctively squeezed Ace’s special place, causing the Ambiguously Gay Hero to recoil in pain. Ace fell to the floor just as Mjolnir found its way back to its owner.
“Apologies,” Thor began, clearly distraught at having mishandled Ace’s package so brutally. “’Tis normally not in my nature to strangle the Midgard Serpent.”
“It isn’t, is it?” Ace hollered back. He knew he could use Thor’s unease to his advantage. He rose to his feet and exploded into a cartwheel, catching Thor’s head in between his thighs. His momentum carried both warriors, turning the deathlock into a pinwheel of faces smothered in groins. Panicking, Thor began whirling Mjolnir once again, and the pinwheel took to the air. The spectacle generated a general sense of unease among the other Face Off combatants, who witnessed the strange sight in the skies.
“So it’s your equipment that makes you hardy, is it?” Ace called out.
“Mighty Mjolnir knows no defeat!” Thor proclaimed before having his face buried once again in Ace’s loins.
“Mighty Mjolnir hasn’t met my Gluteus Ultimus!”
Ace broke out to the deathlock and maneuvered himself to Thor’s hammer arm. With almost-mechanical timing, he caught Mjolnir’s shaft firmly in between his buttocks, forcing Thor to release. Mjolnir’s enchantment took hold, sending Ace crashing to the ground with unbridled force. “That… went in deep,” Ace exclaimed, blowing the rubble away from his face.
“Ha!” cried Thor. “None may wield Mjolnir, save for the Mighty Thor!” He landed near Ace to retrieve his weapon. To his surprise, he couldn’t pull the hammer from Ace’s rear end. “What devilry is this?!?”
Ace smiled. “Gluteus. Ultimus.”
“Thine buttocks shall not be the end of the Mighty Thor!!!” Thor began to pull at the hammer, summoning all his might to tug at the weapon protruding from Ace’s behind. Like the legendary Excalibur, Mjolnir simply would not budge from its sheathe.
“Curse thee, foul devil!” Thor exclaimed. “Mine strength fades! Mjolnir hath been gone from mine grasp for far too long! Thine rectum hath sapped me of mine power! I… I…” The thunder god collapsed, leaving in his place a very unconscious Donald Blake.
Ace unclenched his butt cheeks and stood up. “Well, he was a lot smaller than I expected.” He lifted Blake’s body over his shoulder and set it aside on a small mound. “I guess it’ll do for now.”
In the distance, Gru’s minions were analyzing their upcoming opponent. They had a plan for neutralizing Ace’s Herculean anus. They just needed time.
Want to see what the minions have in store for Ace? Vote for him NOW at Round 5 of the Geek Out Face Off!