Valentine’s Day posts are usually about falling in love, falling out of love, or managing to keep a love alive after years of… loving. You’ve got tips on how to make your Valentine’s Day date unforgettable, what gifts you should buy, and what sort of tricks you can pull off to make the evening’s festivities a little spicier. I could write about that sort of stuff for my post, but I’ve decided to share something a little more practical. Something you can use to your advantage immediately. Something that will SAVE YOUR LIFE.
I’m talking about surviving periods within the bounds of a relationship.
By “periods”, I mean that thing that makes girls bleed from their hoo-hoo’s roughly once a month. Periods have plagued the thoughts of men since time immemorial; even Paracelsus, Renaissance super-genius, found the menstrual cycle to be a colossal mindfuck. Women become unpredictable and irrational – bloodthirsty at times – when Aunt Flow comes for a visit, much to the chagrin of their partners. Anything is possible at this stage, including break-ups and physical harm.
Most guys don’t get what goes on during a period. They bicker with women about the mood swings, the odd cravings, and sudden upsurge of complaints. It’s nothing surprising – I’ve been the target of menstrual rage more than once in my life, even if I hadn’t done anything wrong. From a man’s perspective, it can be incredibly unfair. I’ve heard a lot of guy friends say, “Look, I get that periods are a bad time for her, but can’t she make a special case for me? I’m her fucking boyfriend, goddammit!”
If you want to get through periods suffering minimal harm, though, you’ve got to understand this one universal truth – there are no special cases. Women don’t choose who to rage at during their periods; they simply go for the throat of whoever’s closest. It’s a matter of proximity, and it just so happens that lovers are the ones with whom they spend most of their time.
Guys also need to understand that menstruation really does put women in a bad mood, for more reasons than just hormones. Although hormones play a major role in mood alteration, it’s impossible to grasp what it actually feels like for a girl. I’m going to do you a favor: I’ll help you realize how much menstruation sucks in more concrete terms.
Think about it – wouldn’t you feel a little more irritable if you had to worry whether or not your pants had bloodstains? Wouldn’t it be a drag to have to stick a new pad into your underwear every once in a while? You feel alternatively warm, hungry, cold, and un-hungry, like your body’s trying to fuck with your brain. Sex, while possible, is messy, kinda smelly, and just plain less attractive a prospect. You’d rather blue-ball yourself than have to put up with that, regardless of how amorous you’re feeling.
If that doesn’t get to you, this will – how would you feel if every month, your testicles would forcibly empty themselves of all sperm, and the tubes that connect to and go through your winkie started shedding all their internal lining, causing you to shoot blood and clumpy bits out from your no-no parts?
I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty ticked off. I’d feel like crying to myself in some isolated corner. I’d feel like everything on this world was created to get on my nerves. I’d go out looking for a fight with the next person to walk my way, BECAUSE MY PENIS IS BLEEDING AND I CAN’T FUCKING STOP IT. Odds are, you’d feel that way, too.
Now that you have this perspective on periods, how do you survive them? Simple – treat your lady as you would want to be treated if you were “manstruating”: like a land mine. Do everything to avoid setting her off, because there are a million ways she can explode at you. Don’t complain about it, because what she’s going through gives her every right to act like a sociopath. Don’t even think about belittling a period, because it’s VERY serious business. Just love her, and make her feel loved, because the world is a shitty place at this point and she needs that.
That said, periods aren’t something guys should be worried about. Once you get a sense of perspective on the whole matter, it isn’t as scary as it seems. It’s just something you’ve got to deal with once in a while. Understanding how sucky it is helps make that a lot easier. Besides, I hear there’s some good to a period, too. For one thing, it means that you didn’t accidentally conceive a child you aren’t prepared to have. Studies have also shown some women report increased libidos during PMS. There’s always a silver lining, even to the dark, bilious cloud of self-doubt, anger and frustration that is a woman’s monthly cycle.