Happy Valentine’s Day! Let’s Talk About Blood.

Valentine’s Day posts are usually about falling in love, falling out of love, or managing to keep a love alive after years of… loving. You’ve got tips on how to make your Valentine’s Day date unforgettable, what gifts you should buy, and what sort of tricks you can pull off to make the evening’s festivities a little spicier. I could write about that sort of stuff for my post, but I’ve decided to share something a little more practical. Something you can use to your advantage immediately. Something that will SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I’m talking about surviving periods within the bounds of a relationship.

By “periods”, I mean that thing that makes girls bleed from their hoo-hoo’s roughly once a month. Periods have plagued the thoughts of men since time immemorial; even Paracelsus, Renaissance super-genius, found the menstrual cycle to be a colossal mindfuck. Women become unpredictable and irrational – bloodthirsty at times – when Aunt Flow comes for a visit, much to the chagrin of their partners. Anything is possible at this stage, including break-ups and physical harm.

Most guys don’t get what goes on during a period. They bicker with women about the mood swings, the odd cravings, and sudden upsurge of complaints. It’s nothing surprising – I’ve been the target of menstrual rage more than once in my life, even if I hadn’t done anything wrong. From a man’s perspective, it can be incredibly unfair. I’ve heard a lot of guy friends say, “Look, I get that periods are a bad time for her, but can’t she make a special case for me? I’m her fucking boyfriend, goddammit!”

If you want to get through periods suffering minimal harm, though, you’ve got to understand this one universal truth – there are no special cases. Women don’t choose who to rage at during their periods; they simply go for the throat of whoever’s closest. It’s a matter of proximity, and it just so happens that lovers are the ones with whom they spend most of their time.

Guys also need to understand that menstruation really does put women in a bad mood, for more reasons than just hormones. Although hormones play a major role in mood alteration, it’s impossible to grasp what it actually feels like for a girl. I’m going to do you a favor: I’ll help you realize how much menstruation sucks in more concrete terms.

Think about it – wouldn’t you feel a little more irritable if you had to worry whether or not your pants had bloodstains? Wouldn’t it be a drag to have to stick a new pad into your underwear every once in a while? You feel alternatively warm, hungry, cold, and un-hungry, like your body’s trying to fuck with your brain. Sex, while possible, is messy, kinda smelly, and just plain less attractive a prospect. You’d rather blue-ball yourself than have to put up with that, regardless of how amorous you’re feeling.

If that doesn’t get to you, this will – how would you feel if every month, your testicles would forcibly empty themselves of all sperm, and the tubes that connect to and go through your winkie started shedding all their internal lining, causing you to shoot blood and clumpy bits out from your no-no parts?

I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty ticked off. I’d feel like crying to myself in some isolated corner. I’d feel like everything on this world was created to get on my nerves. I’d go out looking for a fight with the next person to walk my way, BECAUSE MY PENIS IS BLEEDING AND I CAN’T FUCKING STOP IT. Odds are, you’d feel that way, too.

Now that you have this perspective on periods, how do you survive them? Simple – treat your lady as you would want to be treated if you were “manstruating”: like a land mine. Do everything to avoid setting her off, because there are a million ways she can explode at you. Don’t complain about it, because what she’s going through gives her every right to act like a sociopath. Don’t even think about belittling a period, because it’s VERY serious business. Just love her, and make her feel loved, because the world is a shitty place at this point and she needs that.

That said, periods aren’t something guys should be worried about. Once you get a sense of perspective on the whole matter, it isn’t as scary as it seems. It’s just something you’ve got to deal with once in a while. Understanding how sucky it is helps make that a lot easier. Besides, I hear there’s some good to a period, too. For one thing, it means that you didn’t accidentally conceive a child you aren’t prepared to have. Studies have also shown some women report increased libidos during PMS. There’s always a silver lining, even to the dark, bilious cloud of self-doubt, anger and frustration that is a woman’s monthly cycle.

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14 Responses to Happy Valentine’s Day! Let’s Talk About Blood.

  1. Lauren says:

    Hee. Very insightful post. 😀 Just thought I’d clarify that it’s not necessarily the bleeding that makes women crankier than normal; it’s actually the surge of estrogen the week or so before the period. Notice how I’m more depressive and sungit during PMS than my actual period? 😛 The bleeding part is pretty easy to deal with. PMS is an entirely different monster altogether because this is when women get inexplicably and irrationally moody.

    • Marco says:

      Hehe, yeah, I get that. That’s why I said hormones play a major part, but most guys won’t be able to get that. I mean, I don’t know what an upsurge of estrogen feels like. I don’t even know what cramping would feel like, to be honest. Bleeding’s the only concrete example I can think of that dudes can actually relate with. We’re simple folk. 😛

  2. Nicole says:

    I haven’t read this many different terms for reproductive organs in one post. =)) Your “no-no parts” is my favorite. hahaha!! And also, GOOD JOB on that perfect description. I should make my boyfriend read this.

  3. Smarla says:

    awesome post! 😀 this made me laugh but I think guys need to read this. i love the very vivid explanation too translated on a guy’s body. hahaha

  4. Lovel says:

    I accidentally stumbled upon this article of yours. Can I share (FB) so more men will be enlightened? Thank you! 🙂

  5. aylablahs says:

    This is awesome, awesome awesome. Where have you been all my life? LOLOLOL.

  6. chenyl says:

    ALSO! The hormones tend to make us break out and retain salt and water. I’m not sure if its the same for all women, but this makes me want to cry when I look at myself and the mirror and see that.

    And then there’s the pain. Good god just punch me in the gut already and make it all go away.

    Hahahaha good job Marco, this should be mass produced and distributed to dudes.

  7. Bim says:

    Hi man. I’m going to need to revoke your man-card.

  8. Hello, I would just like to commend your post. More guys should be thinking this way. I shared it with friends via FB, so the men would understand how it is. I hope that’s alright with you. (I’ll take it down if you don’t like the post to be linked.) Thanks!

  9. Yanna says:

    I LMAO’d the whole time I was reading your entry (Take note, it’s 2:13 AM and I can hear my mom angry hissing for disturbing her sleep).

    Anyhoo, mind if I share this on FB? 🙂

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