I’ve felt invisible all my life. Not in the I’m-So-Skinny-You-Can’t-See-Me-When-I-Turn-Sideways sort of way (I have a beer belly), but in the Who-The-Hell-Is-That-Guy fashion. I’m what some people would call wallpaper; I’m quiet and tend to blend in with the environment. Nobody really knows much about me, and few ever really try. I’m pretty sure the few people who read this blog and aren’t my friends don’t even know what I look like.
It’s no one’s fault but my own, really. For one thing, I’ve never been one to be the life of the party. I pipe in with a comment or two, and then fade back into my relative obscurity. I don’t announce my achievements, nor do I tell the world every time I create an account on a hot new social networking platform. Hell, even in my own personal space on the Internet, I hide behind doodles of myself.
I’ve just always been a shy guy. I’m comfortable that way. I’ve always thought that it was better to simply be myself than overstretch my personality. Certain major people in my life have always taken that to be “snobbish”. I couldn’t disagree more – this is my way of saying I’d rather you get to know the real me. I’m quiet, sometimes withdrawn, and all-too-insecure to share my deepest thoughts with someone I haven’t hung out with much.
Sometimes, the invisibility gets to me. I get lonely, sometimes even envious of people with more friends. I know what some of you are thinking – Quit being such a bitch and get out there already. I understand where it’s coming from; I’m told I’m a perfectly fine fellow, interesting in my own special way. It’s just that I’m kind of uncomfortable in being extroverted. Some people can’t bear silence, I can’t bear the sound of my own noise.
It’s funny that I still continue to be like this online. I mean, I have a blog. I have a Facebook account. I have a *public* Twitter account. Clearly, I’m not trying to hide from the world around me. So why the hell am I still being so withdrawn?
Simple answer? I’m an idiot.
I’m a social idiot. I’m awkward in situations where I have to converse with people. I panic about saying or doing something stupid, to the point of paralysis. I am incredibly bad when girls come on to me; just ask Lauren. The only time you can get these lips to move like a normal person’s is if you give a beer bottle to serve as my crutch. Seriously, I’m a disgustingly dull stranger without alcohol. I’m like fucking Raj from the Big Bang Theory. It’s hard to tell when I’m out drinking with friends, but that’s because I’m drinking with friends.
I’d been wracking my brain into thinking of something good to write for the new year, but the stuff I’d come up with was too insubstantial, or too deep, or too impersonal. Eight days into 2011, after one of the most trying years I can remember, I’ve finally got the perfect thing to say:
After two decades of being irrationally insecure, this is the year where I make a real attempt to put myself out there. Not just in social situations, but in the things I do to build my future.
I guess this blog is going to be a part of that somehow, since I don’t really feel like abandoning it. It’s the public space where I feel most comfortable being myself. It’s where I tend to realize certain things about myself. I’ve already started with having more doodles on it, so why not continue the trend?
I’ll be honest, the thought of it is quite scary. I know it seems like easy shit for a lot of people, but this is me going out of my element; my comfy, quiet, invisible element. I’m not going to try hard, mind you, but I am going to try. Just not in the capacity most famewhores do. I hope this doesn’t bite me in the ass somehow.
Oh, and for the strangers among you who aren’t really into back-reading, this is me on the left (the most normal you can get out of me, by the way, because I tend to make faces in pictures):
The lady making the adorable face beside me is Lauren, who was apparently hitting on me at the time and I was far too dense and socially inept to realize it. The other distinguished gentleman is Luis, who no longer wears his hair that long. This was in Cubao X, before it became cool and therefore awkward.
Pleased to meet you.