All I Need’s Just a Pair of Wheels

I sometimes wish I could wear spandex.

And spritz hairspray all over my long, unkempt mane.

And grab my crotch on stage.

I’ve got a love for cheesy rock anthems, the kind that sets your soul on fire with motivational words, emboldening guitar chords, and ultimately ends up as the main theme on movie soundtracks. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been performing hits like “Eye of the Tiger”, “Blaze of Glory”, and “All for Love” in the sanctity of my shower. There’s just something about these songs that makes me feel (dare I say it?) alive.

Perhaps it’s the catchy tunes the songs typically hold. Maybe the incredibly cheesy lyrics strike a familiar chord with me (I mean, have you read the previous entry?). It might even be the fact that these songs are best sung from the chest, belted out like a primal affirmation of modern masculinity. Whatever it is, I’ve been hard-pressed to find music that’s so unabashedly emotional.

And so my fantasies are better explained: the spandex is for the outfits the bands used to wear back in the anthems’ heyday; the hairspray for the hairstyle that goes with the costume; and the crotch-grabbing for me to be able to hit those really high notes. I absolutely love these songs and love singing them. Hell, I don’t know the lyrics to most of them, but I will audibly mumble along to the choruses.

What makes me enjoy them is the incredible passion behind them. Yeah, it’s probably all commercialized mainstream money-making hogwash, but it’s pretty fucking effective. I can feel the fire burning in my eyes whenever I hear one of these bad boys playing. I can feel myself standing up, pumping my chest, and belting out this declaration of my manhood. I am the man who will fight for your honor, goddammit!

So what’s the point of all this lame drivel? I’ve decided to actually listen to one of the songs, and not just ride the wave of awesomeness it brings to my senses. The song of choice is the now-classic “Man in Motion” by John Parr, main theme of 80s brat pack flick “St. Elmo’s Fire.” I mean, take a look at some of those lyrics:

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazin’ sky
I’ll be where the eagle’s flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future’s lyin’, St. Elmo’s Fire

I can climb the highest mountain, cross the wildest sea
I can feel St. Elmo’s Fire burnin’ in me, burnin’ in me

Just once in his life a man has his time
and my time is now, I’m coming alive

I can hear the music playin’, I can see the banners fly
Feel like you’re back again, and hope ridin’ high
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future’s lyin’, St. Elmo’s Fire

How does that not make you want to make something of yourself? How? John Parr has awakened something in me that no other 80s singer, not even Rick-fucking-Astley, can ever hope to bring out.

See, I’m going to quit my job soon, and among other unfortunate things, one thing that’s been holding me back from finally telling the bosses to shove it is the fear that I might be making a mistake. I don’t want to leave my job thinking it’s holding me back, only to find out that I made a mistake. I don’t want to see myself as an idealistic young tool whose ambition got the better of him. And yet, I do know that the company isn’t going to take me anywhere. In the end, all that’s left is my fear of changing things to which I’ve grown accustomed.

Well, to fuck with that. I’m going to be a man in motion. I’m going seek those new horizons underneath the blazing sky. I am going to soar with the eagles (but stay a Lasallian!) and take a mighty flying dump on the occupational wasteland I’ll be leaving behind. Hell, I might be making a huge mistake, but I’m young, and I know that things will get better than what they are now eventually, even if I do end up taking a step backward. Hell yeah I can feel it burning in me! AWWWW YEEEEAAHHH!!!

Also, I really do need a pair of wheels. I’ll probably need to learn how to drive first. AND I WILL, BITCHES. I WILL.

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This entry was posted in Hair Bands Teach You Everything You Need to Know in Life, Ramblings. Bookmark the permalink.

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